Beauty in the Breakdown
by organdamage
Summary: Post episode 9x09, MerDer, progression of Mer's pregnancy as the season unfolds- McBaby!
1. Chapter 1

The rain thrashed against the windows of the hospital as it did almost every night; it was winter, it was Seattle, it was far past midnight. The lights flickered for a moment, but then it was still, and all she could hear was the rain. There was no one in the room, except for the rain and her sleepy self, leaning against the wall, her legs criss-crossed on the couch. He was at home, taking care of their child, pretending that everything was okay, so that she, in turn, would believe that everything indeed was okay. She stroked her stomach lightly, the scrubs noticeably tighter this month then last month, and everyone knew, but no one really knew why- why she wasn't saying anything about it. She let her head rest against the window sill, the pounding of her thoughts beginning to subside as she closed her eyes with a sigh.

"Go home," Alex slammed the door behind him, "what are you even still doing here?"

"Nice to see you, too," she smirked, opening her eyes, readjusting her vision to the light, "and for your information, my shift does not end for another five hours."

"Rough," he replied, sinking into the couch next to her, his face weary with furrowed brow and frown in tow. "You don't look too good."

She blinked, realizing that perhaps she wasn't being too subtle about her consistent headache and now sudden throbbing pain. Trying to stand, she supported her body by leaving her hand gripped to the arm of the couch, but as she tried to stand up straight, something was stopping her.

"Mer," his voice trailed off with worry, "you're bleeding."

He immediately stood up, catching her as she began to fall, tears streaming down her face as sobs began to take control of every word she attempted to let from her mouth. The blood was a satin red, pooling at the bottom of her pants, less evident in the navy blue scrubs then the last time this happened, when the red stained her pale blue scrubs with dismay and sorrow.

"This can't be happening," she managed to spit out, "this can't be happening."

"Shhh," he rocked her, picking her up as she could no longer stand, "I'm gonna take you down to the clinic and we'll find out what's going on."

"No, no, no," she stammered, "I can't let anyone know, I can't. Take me, take me, take me-"

"I'll take you to a private room, okay?" he offered, beginning to walk down the hall, her body draped over his shoulders. The nurses eyed him as he walked down the corridor, head downwards, pretending this wasn't Meredith Grey having a miscarriage- this was just a patient, this was someone he never knew until right now.

"Please don't tell Derek," she whispered, her breathing becoming more level, "please."

"I won't," he replied, softly, his lab coat now damp with her tears, "we're almost there."

They were silent for a few minutes, until he reached a room at the end of the obstetrics ward, the room with all the windows, but so far from the nurse's desk that hopefully no one would see them. He gently placed her in the bed, sitting next to her, watching as she pat her cheeks and fix her hair, embarrassed that someone had seen her cry. No one ever saw Meredith Grey cry.

"I'm going to go find a resident to examine you," he stated, slowly standing up.

"No," she replied, "I need you to do it-or-or find April- April will do it and she won't tell anyone and she won't tell Derek."

* * *

Alex had instructed April not to ask questions, to smile occasionally, but work with Meredith as if she was any other patient, and to not talk about Derek at all. She responded accordingly, but a somber expression loomed her face, she knew how badly Meredith wanted this.

"You don't need a D&C," she quipped, removing her gloves as Meredith's legs remained in the stirrups, "this should all take care of itself."

"Okay," Meredith replied quietly, blinking back tears to herself, "thanks April, it means a lot."

"Don't mention it," she stood up, letting Meredith's legs fall back to the floor, "just page me if you need anything else."

She walked out the door, leaving Meredith looking longingly out the window, the sun beginning to peak through the rain, and the clouds disengaging from the midnight sky. She let out a bellowed sigh, and coughed a few sobs up, attempting to retain her composure to the best of her ability.

"Oh, Mer," and there he was, walking straight towards her, tears welled up in his own eyes, "oh Mer."

"Who, who called you?" she sat up, immediately, running a hand through her hair, "I-I-I who called you?"

"It's not important," he swiftly reached his hand to hers, gripping it with all his might, sitting on the bed next to her. She looked up at him, his eyes still glassy, and finally wept all the tears she tried not to cry, burying her head in his lap.

"I lost our baby," she cried, "I lost our baby, again."

* * *

"I lost our baby," she thrashed, "I lost our baby!"

"Mer," his voice was soft, sweet, he placed a hand on her head, "I think you had a bad dream."

"Oh," she opened her eyes, squinting, then moving her body around in the bed, "oh thank god, oh thank god." Tears still ran from her eyes, and she moved closer to him, threading her body into his, leaning her head against his neck, and he soothed her, but she only sobbed harder.

"I didn't even know," she hiccuped, "how much I loved this baby, until I thought, I thought he or she was dead."

"I know," he ran his fingers through her hair, he couldn't help but smile slightly to himself, amused that she was so in love with a baby she was so resistant to wanting to get to know, fearful it might slip away.

"We'll get through this," he webbed his fingers with hers, "we always do."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Heather was frustrated, it was nearing the end of her shift, actually her shift probably ended awhile ago, but she hadn't had a moment to check the time- she needed to find Dr. Grey and tell her that all of her post-ops have been checked and all her charts have been signed, but she could find her nowhere. She paced around the corridors of the hospital, running into corners and dead-ins, furrowing her brow with a sigh, trying to keep her clipboards of information stacked under her arm, without somehow fumbling and losing all the work she'd done in the past few hours. She hated this, she absolutely hated this, and the one person she hated more then anyone in the entire freaking world could be found absolutely nowhere. Medusa, the name crossed her mind with such disdain, was somewhere in this huge, freaking hospital, but where, where the hell was she? Heather thought for a moment, maybe her pager had beeped in the midst of her searching, she looked down at the black box and let out a deeper sigh, leaning against the closest wall, and falling to the ground. She let her eyes droop and eventually close, sleeping for the first time in forty-eight hours. The code from the room next door startled her, and she immediately realized it had been a whole hour since she fell asleep, and that Medusa was probably out there waiting to murder her senselessly. She sped walk down the hallway, peeping through every room and alley trying to find her, but still at a loss.

"Lost?" a familiar voice clouded the air, she stared at Heather for a moment, "have you been napping?"

"I just fell asleep for like a minute," she replied, quickly, now nervous that Dr. Yang was talking to her-

"I'll call you Sleepy!" Cristina laughed, "who are you looking for?"

"Um, Dr. Grey, I've been looking for her everywhere and I literally can't find her anywhere," she quipped, "I checked every on call room, all the patients rooms on this ward, the fellows' office, Dr. Shepard's office, the-"

"Did you check the passageway in the basement?" Cristina asked, smiling at the ignorance and aggrivation of the intern.

"We have one of those?"

"That's where all the interns hang out!" Cristina laughed again, "where else do you go to eat and bitch about your attendings?"

"Oh, we've been going in the back alley of the cafeteria," she grimaced, "it's not ideal."

"Silly Sleepy," Cristina said, still smiling, "just go down the hall, take a right, like you're going to radiation and go down the stairs until you hit the bottom, then follow the hall and there should be some old hospital beds that used to house the most overworked and hungry interns."

"Thanks Dr. Yang," Heather, finally grateful, as she walked, at almost a running speed, down the hallway and followed the directions that Cristina had given her. She reached the infamous tunnel, lined with hospital beds and old O.R. equipment; but in the distance saw a figure on one of the beds, limply lying with one hand on her stomach and the other over her head.

"Dr. Grey?" Heather poked her slightly, amused by her loud snores and lackadaisical position; then frightful that she wouldn't be able to wake her up. "Dr. Grey?"

"Huh?" her voice was soft, she grunted at the sight of her intern, "Heather?"

"You, um, had me, um, get some charts, and I couldn't find you anywhere, and, um,-

"Stop," Meredith interrupted her, slowly rising from her position on the bed, "what time is it?"

"Ten after eight," Heather looked at her phone, realizing herself that her shift was over at five.

"Crap." Meredith groaned, "crap, weren't you supposed to leave like an hour ago?"

"Three hours ago, actually," Heather responded, quietly, "but it's okay, I, um, don't mind it."

"That's bull," Meredith leveled her eyes, "go home, the next time I do that, just leave, I'm sorry, I don't know where my brain has been the past couple of days."

Heather said nothing, but continued to look at Meredith, this person who used to be such a monster, they deemed her Medusa, now fragile and somewhat empathetic, she was so confused.

"I'm not, I'm not a terrible person," Meredith countered, her voice still low, "I'm just trying to teach you, and sometimes I get a little vicious, but it's only because the best way you'll learn from your mistakes is if you know how wrong they are."

"I get that, I do," Heather agreed, "but if you don't mind-"

"You want to go," Meredith smiled, "I get that, I'm sorry, go, enjoy your night, sleep! Sleeping is the best!"

"Thanks," Heather began to walk away, "have a nice evening Dr. Grey."

* * *

"Derek pick up!" she pressed her ear against the phone as she continued to drive down the highway, "Derek!"

She was late, so late, and they had made these plans a long time ago, but she had fallen asleep and her dumb pregnancy brain made her forget that these plans even existed. She couldn't remember anything that actually happened today, besides her somewhat too sensitive conversation with her intern and waking up in the morning feeling like someone had gutted her stomach, which resulted in vomiting for a good twenty minutes while her husband rubbed her back and held her hair.

"Meredith! Where are you?" he whispered, "we've been here for forty-five minutes."

"Derek, I fell asleep, in the hospital, I just fell asleep," she explained, "I just was so exhausted that I thought I could take a nap and I don't know what I was thinking, you can tell everyone they don't have to wait for me, I can just meet you at home if you want."

"No, don't be ridiculous," he countered, "I already ordered your dinner, plus we're already on our second bottle of wine, so I'm sure they don't even realize that you are that late."

"Good," she laughed, "was Zola okay with the babysitter when you left?"

"Yeah, she was fine," he reassured her, "I gotta go, but I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay," she replied, "love you."

"Love you too," he hung up, leaving her in the car for a few silent minutes; sad realizing that she could not get drunk like the rest of her friends tonight, still tired because she was always tired, and a bit apprehensive towards leaving her two year old alone with a woman she met once. She let her thoughts fester as she continued to drive the relentlessly boring road, stopping a few miles ahead at a restaurant that had one of the best views of Seattle.

"Meredith!" Cristina's voice loudly greeted her as she took off her jacket and sat down with the other doctors, "Meredith's here!"

"And drunk Cristina is here!" Meredith laughed, giving Derek a kiss on his cheek as he grabbed her hand-

"Very drunk Cristina is here," he added, the others laughing at his comment. Callie and Arizona sat across from them, both of their faces holding countenances of a sort of content that no one had seen in a long time. Arizona's eyes had the sparkle in them that had been missing for so long, and Callie seemed to be smiling so long it was hard to say how she could maintain her grin. Cristina, on the other hand, was slouched in her seat next to Meredith, her glass of wine cupped in both of her hands, taking frequent sips as the conversation persisted.

"A toast!" Callie rose her glass, "to a year of change and loss and grief, but also to a year of new friendships, new memories, and an even newer happiness."

"Here, here!" Derek chipped his glass with hers, the table raising all of their glasses and clinking with smiles; Meredith felt uncomfortable with her water, afraid that people would pick up on her lack of usual alcoholic beverage, but figured they were all too incapacitated to notice.

It was a nice night, conversation floated across the board, they discussed some of their cases, Arizona sharing pictures of Sofia, Derek boasting about Zola's latest feats, but Meredith remained the most quiet, smiling along with the others, yet hesitant to participate in the conversation. She was having such a spacey day she didn't want to let it slip that she was pregnant, it was one of her greatest fears, accidentally spilling the news, the news that she anticipated would be gone in a matter of weeks.

As they were leaving, Meredith realized that she forgot her coat (surprise) and ran back inside the restaurant, only to be greeted by Cristina, who patted her on the back, and smiled.

"I'm not an idiot," she stated, "I know."

"Oh." Meredith's face dropped, "how?"

"Lack of alcohol, the double A's have somehow become C's, and the fact that your intern suggested you had fallen asleep in the middle of your shift," Cristina giggled, "congratulations."

"Please don't tell anyone," Meredith begged, "I mean it, I-I don't know how long, exactly, I'll stay, you know, pregnant."

"Meredith," Cristina wrapped an arm around her person's shoulder, "stop being so pessimistic, you aren't living until you realize that everything is going to be okay, because it has to be."

**Review please! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three **

The soft murmur on the baby monitor caused Meredith to stir with little hesitation as she arose from the bed to grab her daughter. Derek pulled her back, gripping her wrist slightly, wanting his sleep to last forever, even though this one miniscule sound meant that their day had only just begun. She grimaced as her stomach began feeling nauseous, weary that after she took Zola out of her crib, she would spend the remainder of the morning at the throne of her toilet. Although first annoyed at the thought of vomiting so early, she was then thankful that the little person growing inside of her managed to stay alive another day, and with that note, Meredith let out a deep sigh of relief.

"I need to go let Zola out," she huffed, "so you need to let go of my hand."

"Just a few more minutes," he pulled a pillow over his head, "a few more minutes of nothing but you and me."

"And baby," she smiled slightly, "but seriously, I'm not leaving our daughter awake in her crib, that will only result in tears, and a tantrum at six thirty in the morning is really not ideal, if you get what I mean."

"I think," he grunted, "we need to get Zola a big girl bed." He grinned, pulling his wife closer, smelling her raspberry shampoo, planting his fingers through her hair; he kissed her for a moment, and then just looked at her, so reluctant to break away from this seemingly perfect moment, until a cry surfaced from the monitor.

"It's time to begin the day, Derek," Meredith got up from the bed, shuffling to the door, trying to smile even though all she wanted to do was puke her brains out, she softly spoke in the hopes Derek wouldn't hear, "baby, it's been twelve weeks of this morning sickness, I think you can quit it, I know you're here to stay."

The door closed slowly, leaving Derek grinning ear to ear; he'd waited years for his wife to speak to his unborn baby, and that minute of interaction, was more then anything he could have anticipated.

"Zo Zo!" Meredith grabbed her daughter from her crib, "what do you think? Are we going to get a new big girl bed some time soon?"

"Yes mama!" the two year old giggled, playing with her mother's messy hair, "down, mama, down."

"Of course, Zo," Meredith placed her on the floor, still holding her hand, "let's get Daddy out of bed so he can make us breakfast, what do you say, pancakes?" _Pancakes._ The word echoed in Meredith's mind, because now, more then anything in the entire universe, did she crave those deliciously light, fluffy, butter filled pancakes.

"Pancakes! Pancakes!" Zola clapped her hands, toddling down the hallway into her parents room, "pancakes! Pancakes!"

"Zo!" Meredith called, watching her daughter's eyes open wider, "I have a secret to get Daddy out of bed."

"Yeah Mama?" Zola waited anxiously, putting her hands on her hips, making Derek's heart fall out of his chest in the best way possible.

"If we attack him with kisses!" Meredith exclaimed, lifting Zola off of the ground and onto the bed, Zola immediately kissing Derek on the cheek, he laughed, a good, hearty laugh; a laugh that Meredith didn't hear enough.

"Mama's turn!" Zola turned over to Meredith, whose body was parallel to her husband, enjoying her daughter blissfully kissing her every limb.

"I think I have to join," Derek added, kissing Meredith softly on the lips, then while Zola was too busy on her mother's forehead, Derek snuck a kiss on Meredith's belly, both sharing a quick laugh.

"Are we forgetting someone?" Derek mused, watching his daughter's brow furrow, "are we?"

"I don't think so," Meredith quipped, sitting up on the bed.

"Me! Me!" Zola squealed, almost on cue, both her parents began tickling her and then planting kisses on her face; Meredith's smile was so wide it was surprising her face could hold the grin, _do I have the perfect life_, she thought to herself, _I think I do. _

* * *

The clock ticked as it always seemed to do, faster and faster, and Meredith found herself sitting in the attending's office, looking at her scrubs, but not putting them on. Her hand tapped anxiously against the chair, her other fingers threaded in a strand of her hair; she couldn't bring herself to get dressed. It wasn't because she was tired and not wanting to face the rest of the day, it wasn't because she suddenly decided that navy was not her color, and it wasn't because they were dirty and she had forgotten to clean them.

"You know, if you stare at them long enough, they aren't going to magically appear on you," Cristina scoffed, taking a seat next to Meredith.

"Well, I know that," she retorted, "it's not that."

"Then what the hell is it?" Cristina replied, "the longer you wait just sitting here, staring at your scrubs, which is beyond ridiculous, the longer your day is going to seem, I promise."

"Cristina," Meredith stated, sighing, "what if they don't fit."

"Oh," Cristina rolled her eyes, "then you get the extra stretch scrubs, it's not a big deal."

"But it is," Meredith argued, "everything is changing, and I don't really want everyone knowing that everything is changing."

"They know," Cristina countered, "you've got the body of a pre-pubescent twelve year old boy, and now you, don't."

"Should I be offended?" Meredith laughed.

"No, it's a good thing," Cristina smiled, "seriously, get the bigger scrubs, I'm sure it's better so fetus isn't all squished in there."

"Fetus? Is what you're calling it?" she remarked, grabbing the scrubs off of the floor.

"Well you're calling fetus, it, so I think I've one upped Mommy on this one," she began to get up.

"You do have a point," Meredith replied, "I think it's weird to call it anything else other then it."

"How would you feel if everyone was calling you 'it'?"

"Because fetus is so much better?"

"Hey, I'm not the creative one," Cristina started walking towards the door, "but I am the kick-ass one, obviously, so I'm going to go do a kick-ass job repairing someone's heart."

"Enjoy!" Meredith waved, once Cristina had left she reluctantly put on the scrubs, noticing the uncomfortable pull the pants were having towards her midsection, and the tightness the top was having, she looked at herself in the mirror, having deduced that she looked like a giant grape, tugged her labcoat as long as it would go, as she embarked on a mission to get the extra stretch scrubs.

**reviews please! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four **

The date on the calendar loomed over both Meredith and Derek's head as the circled fourth of February was almost illuminated against their kitchen wall. He could barely bring himself to look up, just staring straight at his breakfast, while she indecisively tried to cross off the daunting date that seemed to be tainting this day. The rain began to thrash against the roof, which was usually soothing, but at this moment flooded them both with memories that stung their hearts; piercing the bubble of love they'd immersed themselves in of baby filled bliss. This was anything, but pleasant, this was everything they had been avoiding. At her stool on the kitchen counter she let her head fall softly to the granite, feeling the cold against her skin, it felt nice, it felt even nicer when she let her tears slip onto her plate. He was too busy eyeing the eggs he couldn't even imagine trying to eat, figuring that he'd vomit anything he tried to digest; today was not the day to get sick, he was already sick enough. Her tears suddenly became soft sobs as she could not control all the emotions that had been surfacing for so long, but she masked so well. He noticed her cries, rubbing her back with his hand, still hesitant to speak, knowing that if he tried, his cries would appear, too.

"I'm sorry," she sat up, wiping her eyes with a kleenex, "I really shouldn't even be this upset right now."

She realized her wording was wrong, immediately refuting the statement, "I didn't mean that, of course I should be upset, but, you know, not as upset as you."

"No, I get it," he said quietly like he did whenever anything was too hard to talk about, he left his words dangling at the end, as if he had something to add, but couldn't bring himself to it, "I really do."

"You can talk about it, if you want," she turned to him, stroking his hair, "I'm here, I'm always here, to listen to you, if you need me."

"Thank you," he replied, almost a whisper, grabbing her hand, "I love you."

"I love you too," she stood up, wrapping her arms around him, hugging him like she didn't want to let go; she didn't want to tell him how thankful she was for him, because right now wasn't the time for that, right now was the time for him to know that she was there for him.

"This is harder then I thought it would be," he continued to use a low voice, blinking back tears, "and I've dealt with a lot of hard things."

"I know," she replied, letting the silence cloud over the conversation, her mind, however, continued to produce thoughts, and she had so many things to say, but she didn't know how to say them.

"I need to ask you something," she offered, "well, I need to share something with you, and I, uh, I don't know how you'll take it because this isn't like me to say and I don't know if you'll like it and I don't know if this is the day to say it, or if-"

"Meredith," he finally let out a smile, he loved it when she rambled, "just tell me."

"I think," she paused, trying to formulate some sort of presentation, "we should name the baby after him, and I think, I think also, we should name the baby after your dad."

He couldn't bring himself to words, he sat in his chair looking at his wife with such awe, as the tears finally began to stream down his face, because what she just announced not only split his heart down the middle, but also set something- free.

"I love you so much," he let his lips skim across hers, "and that idea, is perfect."

"I'm glad," she replied, as his finger trips brazed across the small bump that had begun to appear on her stomach, "and maybe, maybe, because I don't think Mark is good for a girl, we could name her, after Lexie."

"I think that that sounds even more perfect," he smiled wider, "god, you are amazing."

"But I think that Lexie or Mark should be the middle name, because I don't want to be calling our kid Lexie or Mark, that just seems a little weird."

"I agree completely."

"Christopher Mark," she let the name roll off of her tongue with ease, and a grin soon appeared on her face.

"And we could do a first name with a C if the baby's a girl," he mused, "like Cate Alexandra."

"I love that," she replied, "Christopher Mark or Cate Alexandra, that's perfect."

"I'm glad," he responded, "you made this day a lot better."

"That makes me happy," she quipped, "I'm happy when you're happy, or happier."

"I miss him a lot," he stared off into the window, looking at the rain that seemed to pound against the grass. "He was going to take me fishing for his birthday, and he hates fishing."

"Mark Sloane fishing?" she laughed, "that's a sight I wish I could have seen."

"I'm sure he's celebrating wherever he is," Derek stated, "I'm sure he's happy."

"Well he's with the love of his life," Meredith remarked, "how could he not be?"

"It's impossible not to be," he announced, "it's impossible to be upset when you're with the one you love."

"You're so cheesy," she laughed, "but in a romantic, cheesy way."

"What other kind of cheesy is there?"

"The kind that's on pizza," she licked her lips, "and I kind of want pizza."

"I kind of want something else," he looked straight at her, "and since someone is still asleep, I think we can get that done."

"Derek Shepard," she rolled her eyes, "the corniness, you're killing me."

He pulled her close, kissing her again, this time taking in every breath she took, "never leave my life."

"I promise," she broke away from him, "we're going to die when we're one hundred and five, in each other's arms, because that's how it's supposed to be."

_**sorry for the shortness! I just wanted to post something haha- reviews are appreciated, I hope you guys like the baby names, I just thought that was appropriate; Grey's hiatus almost half over hooray! **_


	5. Chapter 5

_Sorry it's been forever since I updated, I was kind of stuck without Internet for a period, and the hard drive on my computer crashed (literally my worst nightmare) so here we go, reviews are amazing, I really appreciate all of them, less then a week until the next episode! Ah! _

__**_Chapter Five _**

**__**Her lavender scented hair swung side to side as she walked down the rather long hallway at the hospital, stomach grumbling and shoulders slouched; she'd only been at the hospital for three hours, but she was already exhausted. She paused in her stride, sighing as she realized how she was filling out the extra stretch scrubs, the scrubs she and George had tried on when they were interns to see how large they really were, to put it bluntly, she could put both legs through one pant hole.

"Fetus got you down?" Cristina met her at a crossway, sipping a coffee.

"Can I please just smell that?" Meredith instantly waking up just at the sight of caffeine, "pretty please?"

"Fine," Cristina passed the mug to her friend, laughing at the muses of her pregnancy, "where you headed?"

"Cafeteria," Meredith frowned, "all I do is eat."

"I know," Cristina smiled, then took back her grin as soon as she saw Meredith's face curl up almost simultaneously with her observation, "not in a bad way."

"I think I need to tell people, like officially," Meredith continued down the corridor, "I know that they know, and they know that I know that they know, but I haven't really come out and just told them all yet."

"You know, it's not that big of a deal," Cristina stated, "it's only a big deal to you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" her voice becoming defensive, she crossed her arms against her chest.

"Well, okay, for like a day I overheard some nurses being like 'did you hear Grey's pregnant?' and sometimes people will ask me if they know if you're having a boy or a girl, but that's like the biggest extent, if this were four years ago, then it'd be the talk of the hospital for months, but you're a big kid now, so people kind of stopped caring."

"Oh," Meredith hummed, "I'm such a selfish person, all I do is talk about my pregnancy and worrying or being happy or just being overly hormonal and that is really all I ever talk about, jesus, why haven't you stopped me? God, who do I think I am? I probably haven't asked you how you've been in like what, fifteen weeks, well yeah, because I am fifteen weeks, so yeah, it's been awhile, god you must hate me-

"Stop it!" Cristina stepped in front of her, cutting her off, grabbing her shoulders, "Get a grip. If I had something to say I would've said it by now, I'm not letting you ramble about your baby forever, you talk about it maybe twice in a conversation, and you're just emotional because you're with fetus. Now stop talking about how you talk too much because that solves nothing. Go eat your four dinners and sleep for a long time, because I kind of think you're losing it."

* * *

Derek threaded his fingers with hers as they waited in the rather stiff chairs, blankly staring at magazines, pretending to be distracted. She always feared these appointments, because even though she could see her protruding stomach, and sometimes feel a flutter in her stomach, she never knew how long it would all last. She could walk into the door of that very exam room on that very day and find out that her baby was gone. Just like that. She tapped her fingers against her thigh, anxiously awaiting a nurse to call her name so she could get the entire ordeal over with.

"Don't be so nervous," he broke the silence, tired of watching his wife attempt to hold herself together, "it's all going to be fine."

"You don't know that," she reminded him, "we could go in there and the doctor could tell us I had a miscarriage."

"You're out of the first trimester, the battle is almost half over," he smiled.

"Fifteen weeks, Derek. Fifteen weeks is not halfway, it's nothing," she sighed, it was nothing, but it was also everything.

"Let's look on the bright side," he offered, "because there's really no point in thinking anything other then that."

"I'm just trying to prepare myself," she shifted her weight, "I'm trying to prepare you."

"Me?" he sat back, looking at her.

"You're too excited about all of this," she gritted her teeth, trying to place the correct words into whatever her mind was formulating, "I'm just saying that it's gonna hurt a helluva lot more if we lose the baby if you already become so attached."

"Like you're not?" he refuted, "I hear you in the bathroom, I hear you talk to the baby, I watch you when you think no one's looking, when you do that thing, when you cradle your stomach as if you were touching the baby with your fingers, I see you. Don't tell me not to be attached, you're equally at fault here."

"You're right," she blinked, "you're absolutely right."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, I get it," she stared straight ahead, afraid that if she looked her husband in the eye, she'd begin crying on the spot, and she hated when she cried in front of anyone, especially him. "I'm being hypocritical, and you're just trying to meet me halfway; I'm a mess, I'm emotional, I'm selfish, I'm impossible to deal with, I'm-

"Pregnant." he let out a soft chuckle, "you're hormonal and bitchy and you're pregnant and I love that."

"So you aren't going to strangle me?" she lifted her brow, cracking a slight smile.

"Do I look like the strangling type?" he quipped, grasping her hand tighter, "we're gonna get through this, together."

"Meredith Grey?" a nurse called; Meredith and Derek stood, still hand in hand, walking into the exam room, Derek not allowing his trance to escape Meredith's glance, and her own eyes glued on the ground, fearful to look up.

She sat in the chair that almost dictated her qualms, because she knew that sitting in that very chair, she'd find out the news that haunted her thoughts and polluted her dreams, but also made her whole and her love stronger. He sat next to her, still not saying a word, wishing with all of his heart that the doctor would say everything was fine, because he promised it would be, and he never breaks promises to Meredith, ever.

"Meredith, Derek," Dr. Stanton walked in, her smile daunting and her countenance kind, but Meredith immediately slouched into her seat, her toothy grin beginning to frown and the tears that had settled in the waiting room began to rise again.

"Nervous today?" she asked, "now this will be a little cold."

She squirted the jelly onto Meredith's stomach and began to find the heartbeat, which took a moment, but then killed every dubious thought that crossed Meredith's mind.

"Wow," she smiled, the tears now adorning her cheeks, "wow."

"We made that," Derek beamed proudly, "that's Zola's brother or sister."

"Well, the fetus looks healthy for fifteen weeks," Dr. Stanton also smiled, "I have to say that since we're now in the second trimester the viability of this pregnancy has increased significantly, of course we're still going to keep a close eye on you, but I can say that everything remains very positive."

"Thank you," Derek grinned, "we really appreciate it."

"So I'll see you both again in three weeks? For the eighteenth week check-up?" she reminded, wiping the jelly off of Meredith.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, "we'll be here."

"You can normally detect the sex of the baby at that benchmark, right?" Derek jumped up, he'd been anxious to know.

"Unless this one's a hider, we should know the next appointment."

"That's something to think about," Meredith added, "thank you so much for your time."

Dr. Stanton nodded and waved goodbye, leaving the two to further discuss Derek's point; Meredith, although somewhat overwhelmed with happiness and hormones, seemed apprehensive towards the idea of finding out the gender.

"I don't think I want to know," she announced as they walked towards the car.

"Really?" he said, almost taken aback, "are you sure?"

"It's just," she pondered, "if this is the last time we can do this, you know, get pregnant and actually give birth to a baby, then shouldn't we just wait? Isn't that one of lives best surprises? Do we really want to ruin it like that?"

"I just thought it would be easier to know," he thought aloud, "then we could paint the nursery, princesses for a girl and Yankees for a boy."

"Or we could just paint it yellow," she suggested, "I really like yellow."

"Yellow is a pretty color."

"Yellow was Lexie's favorite color," she reminded him, and suddenly the conversation grew quiet, and Derek let her think about what was happening, too afraid to say something that would make her angry or sad or scared or really, anything.

"I miss her a lot," she stated, "she was such a good aunt to Zola, I'm sure she would've been a really great aunt to this baby, too."

"Zola asked about her the other day," he said quietly, hesitant to hear her response; he'd been meaning to tell her that, but there was never really a good time to bring it up.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she replied, almost hurt.

"I was waiting for the right time," he shrugged, "it's not like I was never going to tell you."

"Well what did you tell her? When she asked?"

"Well, we were playing kitchen, she was taking my order and pretending to cook in that kitchen thing we got her for Christmas, and she sort of looked at me, like she had meant to say it for a long time, but forgot, and she said Daddy why can't Lexie come over for dinner? Well she didn't say it like that more like, 'Lexie come for dinner?' And I sat her on my lap and said that aunt Lexie was in a place far beyond the moon and every single star, and she thought that was pretty cool. She said she missed her, I said I do, too, and then I told her that no matter where Lexie was she loved her, and she always would."

"Oh Derek," Meredith buried her head into his chest, "thank you."

"I just told her the truth."

"I'm so lucky to have you, and to get to keep you."

"Keep me?"

"Between the shooters and the plane crashes and everything far and beyond, I've had moments where I thought I lost you forever. But then someone out there decides I get to keep you, keep you here, with me, and I just think I'm so lucky."

"Because we are lucky," he kissed her softly on the cheek.

"One hundred and five years," she smiled, "don't you forget it."

**hope I can update again soon! Reviews please! **


	6. Chapter 6

**sorry this is super short but I haven't updated in forever and so I wanted to make sure I did before midterms when I'll be having a serious writing drought, read and review please!**

Chapter Six

Today was the day Meredith had been dreading for a long time, for sixteen and a half weeks, to be precise. She woke up in the morning, eyes squinted and hair all over the place, walking to the bathroom and passing the mirror as she typically did, but she had to do a double take. It was like over night, all of a sudden, you could tell. The bump was there and it was larger then it was the day before, noticeably larger, and no matter how heavy the sweatshirt she wore, or how high she pulled up her jeans, you could tell.

She knew Zola was going to ask questions and she knew people were going to ask questions and she thought to herself, as she brushed her teeth and then her hair, how to avoid these questions, because avoidance was key. She haphazardly attempted to make lies about it, but between "I just got fat" and "I have a gastric tumor" nothing was coming up that could be at all believable. She couldn't avoid it. Today was the day. The day she'd have to tell everyone.

Derek was still asleep, his wrist heavily casted and propped on a pillow, he looked so fragile while he slept, Meredith stared at him for a minute, thinking how peaceful this moment was, and how horribly chaotic this day would be. She quietly pulled open drawer after drawer, searching for sweaters and turtlenecks and the largest sweatpants she could find, tearing apart her clothes until she could find something that fit.

"Whatcha doing?" Derek woke up, giving her a quizzical look as she stood in front of him, jeans unzipped and Dartmouth shirt barely fitting over her stomach.

"Nothing is working," she let her hands drop to the floor, before she sat on the floor with a sigh, "nothing is working and we're going to have to tell everyone today."

"Hey, hey," he got up, sitting next to her, rubbing her back, "don't do that."

"Do what?" she turned to him, biting her lip.

"Do that thing where you freak out when it's really not a big deal," he laughed, "people have babies. All the time. And you're having a baby. It's whatever, it's not a big deal."

"It's not a big deal?" she arched her eyebrow.

"Well it's the biggest deal in the world to me, and to you," he smiled, "but everyone else, they'll be all inquisitive for like five minutes and then realize that this isn't their baby and then stop freaking out, but they will keep freaking out if you continue to."

"You're right," she admitted, "I'm making this into a way bigger deal then it needs to be."

"Good," he replied, tucking a lone strand of her hair behind her ear, "now I say, we go tell our daughter about her upcoming role in being a big sister, because we cannot keep hiding this from her anymore."

"I agree," she smiled, "how do we explain to a two year old that she's not going to be the only child anymore?"

"We'll just roll with it," he grinned, standing up, "let's do this."

Derek made waffles that morning, it was impressive due to his lack of left hand, but he managed, and Zola loved her waffles. They sat in their sun room overlooking the Seattle sky, it was quiet for a few minutes, Meredith apprehensive to start the conversation and Derek waiting for her cue to begin talking.

"Zo, your Mama and I had something we wanted to tell you," Derek finally broke the silence, Meredith surprised by his blunt forwardness, but happy to get the talk rolling.

"Ya?" she played with the syrup on her plate.

"Okay, it's really important you pay attention to what we're gonna say, because it could be a little bit confusing," Derek started, Zola nodded in response, "tell Daddy at all when you don't understand, okay?"

"Otay," she replied, giggling.

"Mama has a baby in her tummy, and that baby is going to be your little brother or sister," Derek just went out and said it, waiting for his daughter's response. A few seconds passed, and Zola's brow furrowed as she attempted to process the news, but then she smiled.

"A baby?" she asked, "how'd go in Mama's tummy?"

Meredith and Derek looked at each other for a moment, hesitant to say the wrong thing to their toddler.

"Well, me and your Daddy thought you'd really like a baby brother or sister, so we wished for one for a long time, and the only way babies grow is in their mama's tummies, so we got our wish granted, and the baby has to grow in my tummy for a little bit before he or she is ready to come meet us," she explained, hoping Zola would grasp the concept.

"Oh," Zola thought for a minute, "I in your tummy?"

"Actually, you were in another mama's tummy, because there are two different ways to get babies, one is for the baby to grow in the mama and live in the mama, but sometimes people who want a baby can't grow one, so they get one from other mamas who can, and that's how we got you," she nearly winced, she almost didn't fully understand what she just said.

"Baby!" Zola clapped her hands, "Imma have broder or sister."

"Yes you are," Derek smiled, "and we are so excited because you are going to be the best big sister, ever."

"Yay!" she squealed, getting up from her seat, "I wanna see baby."

"Okay, well you can't really see the baby, but," Meredith got up from her seat too, "you can feel the baby if you want, the baby doesn't kick yet, but he or she is there."

"Otay," Zola replied accordingly, a grin still plastered on her syrup covered face.

Meredith lifted up her shirt a little and pointed at her stomach, "see, that's the baby."

"Baby so wittle," Zola pressed a hand on her mother's belly, "love you baby." She planted a kiss, it was soft and quick, and Meredith immediately began to tear up. Before she started full on crying, Derek swooped in and picked up Zola, tickling her-

"You're the best Zo Zo," he kissed her on the cheek, "I know you are going to be the best big sister in the entire world."

Meredith smiled, thankful her daughter took the news of a baby so well, she could not wait for the next five months to unravel so her family would be complete.

**reviews are the best please review! **


	7. Chapter 7

**sorry it's been forever since I last posted- midterms are literally hell **

**read and review please! **

**Chapter Seven: **

Everything had died down lately; the news about the baby, Derek's return to surgery, Zola's third birthday, Cristina and Owen's divorce, and the countless hours Meredith spent in the OR, trying to clock up all her time before she'd have to go on maternity leave. She found herself sitting in an exam room, lying on the stiff bed, staring at the wall. Her hand was wrapped around her swollen stomach, as it always seemed to be, she kept squinting her eyes like she was thinking about something with utter confusion.

Everything had died down lately, except for the raging hormones that caused her to have the weirdest thoughts. She blinked, slowly, and tears began to adorn her cheeks, and despite her best attempts, they wouldn't stop.

"Dammit," she sat up, attempting to clean herself up, but the tears kept coming, and she let her hands swallow her face as she pulled her knees close to her and just sobbed.

The door clicked and Alex ran in, immediately sliding down to the floor, bringing a hand to his own face. He didn't even notice she was there until he heard a soft cry.

"Mer?" his voice was gentle, he got up and sat next to her on the bed, "Mer what's wrong?"

"I don't know," she placed her hands on the bed rail, "I never know, I get upset and sad for no reason and then I just cry."

"That's okay," he rubbed her back, but her head fell into his lap, crying harder, "hey, it's okay."

"Alex, Alex, I'm so scared," he could barely hear the muffled voice, but he watched with heartache as her back shivered, "I don't know if I can do this."

"Do what?"

"I'm afraid, I'm afraid everyday that I'll lose the baby, that something will happen and the baby will be gone," she picked her head up, looking at the ceiling as she tried to blink back tears, "and what will I tell everyone? And what will I tell Derek? And how will Zola understand that her brother or sister just died, just like that, and she never even got to meet him or her. She'll hate me forever and-"

"No she won't," Alex interrupted her, "of course she'd be sad, but it's too over her head for her to understand any of that enough to hate you."

"I guess," she sniffled, her arm still stroking her belly, "I'm just so scared."

"You can be scared," he offered, "it's normal for you to be scared, but sometimes you just gotta trust that whatever happens, happens for a reason."

"You're right," she wrapped an arm around his shoulder, "thank you."

"You're gonna be okay," he looked at her, then to her stomach, "and that little guy has the best mom in the entire world."

"Alex, you're gonna make me cry again," she waved a hand in front of her face, "seriously."

"I'm always here if you need me," he replied, "if you can't talk to Cristina or Derek or anyone you can always talk to me."

"Likewise," she smiled faintly, "except of late I'm probably not the biggest help, why did you come in here anyways?"

"It's a long story," he huffed, his vision suddenly focused on the window.

"Well we've got until the next case comes in," she responded, "tell me all about it."

"It's just I've been hanging out with Jo a lot lately, and tonight we were at the house just talking and she told me some stuff and it freaked me out," he shifted his weight and Meredith shot him a quizzical look, "that crap about how we can't just be friends anymore because she likes me, she likes me a lot, and I think I like her, too."

"Oh my god," she blinked back more tears, "I'm sorry, but that's too cute."

"Not the response I was looking for," he laughed, "I just don't know what to do."

"Well date her, of course!" Meredith got excited at the prospect of his happiness, "what the hell are you waiting for?"

"I don't know," he scoffed, "every time I date someone, the chick goes crazy and I'm left alone and sulky and-"

"Jo's not Izzie, and she's not Rebecca," she countered, "she's a good girl, she's the girl that you've been waiting for. Like you said, everything happens for a reason, and the reason you were with Rebecca, the reason you fell in love with Izzie, it was all to lead you to her. I promise."

"Geez, since when are you such a heavy believer in love?"

"I guess since I met the love of my life," she blushed, "and the love my life introduced me to the other loves of my life."

* * *

"I've got a surprise for you," he took her by the hand as they left the hospital, "a really big surprise."

"Oh?" she responded, yawning, "as much as I love surprises Derek, I'm really tired, and all I want in this entire universe is a foot rub."

"Okay," he smiled, "I still have a surprise for you."

"Alright," she giggled, getting into the car, "am I allowed to nap on the drive over to this big surprise?"

"If you really want to," he whined, "but the drive is part of the experience of the surprise."

"Are we not going home?" she arched her eyebrow, "whose with Zola?"

"She's with Callie and Arizona having a sleepover with Sofia, don't worry," he smiled, "anything look familiar?"

"Derek it's eleven thirty at night, it's pitch black outside," she quipped, "sorry I'm grouchy."

"I can see that," he laughed, "then maybe you should just close your eyes, we're almost there."

"Good," she settled into her seat, "because your child is kicking up a storm."

"Really?" he smiled at the thought, letting his wife snore for a bit, glancing every so often at how her arm was cradled around their baby, he couldn't find the large grin that was painted on his face.

He pulled into the very familiar territory, carrying her out of the car, happy to find her very thin frame suddenly heavier, making her a little bit harder to hold, but he could make it to the bed. He opened up the door to the trailer, settling her onto a pile of pillows, watching as she suddenly awoke.

"Just like old times," she giggled, "you even opened the skylight!"

"Yeah," he laid next to her, holding something in his hand, "I wanted us to be able to look at the stars."

"They're beautiful," she held his hand, her head snaked into his neck.

"Actually," he pointed towards one, "that one's ours."

"What?" she sat up, in disbelief, "you got us a star?"

"Well to be precise, I got us four stars," he smiled, holding out the piece of paper, "this is probably corny and dumb and not even real, but I got you a star, I got myself a star, Zola a star, and I got this little one a star." He kissed her stomach accordingly-

"I love it, thank you," she replied, tearing up.

"I just thought that if anything were to happen to any of us, we could always look up at the sky and know that no matter where we are, we're in each other's lives somehow."

"Oh Derek," she turned to him, "thank you so, so much."

**Sorry this was uber short and what not and the ending kind of sucked, but I really wanted to update! Lemme know your thoughts, also last grey's- wasn't hormonal Meredith hilarious? I loved it- alrighty, until next time! **


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